Social Anxiety: Is It Real Or In Your Head?

In 2009 I had the opportunity to line produce and act in the film “Hey Diddle Diddle”, which that dealt with a character name Maxwell Sweetwater who had social anxiety disorder. Maxwell was showing signs of social anxiety in relations to his 10-year high school reunion. I remember when I first read the script I thought, "WOW". This dude is really worked up about going back to his reunion; he should be excited to see old friends. The character Maxwell, was popular in high school, all around athlete, voted most likely to succeed and was loved by everyone. So what was the big deal, right? Well Maxwell felt that he did not live up to the potential that everyone placed on him. Maxwell was put on a pedestal and in his mind he didn’t make the cut. He was overweight, out of shape and out of a job. In fact his last few years in life, looked completely different from what he thought it would be.

I started thinking about this film a few weeks ago, as I started to get antsy about my college homecoming. I couldn’t place where exactly the anxiousness was coming from, but I knew I felt it. At times I was excited about going back and other times I didn’t want to go. I didn’t feel like figuring out what I needed to wear, thinking about the conversations and questions about acting and what I was up to now. Normally I would be happy to share in a conversation, but for some reason I didn’t feel like engaging. As time passed, I still had the nagging thought as to why am I feeling like this, I never felt this way before. As I quietly set and got honest with myself. I said oh crap, I feel like Maxwell Sweetwater.

See in our minds we build these stories or we envision where we would be by a certain time and age. At this point in life I should be a very well known actress, with my own clothing line, scholarship foundation and numerous speaking engagements, etc. Now I will say I have and is doing some of these things on a smaller scale, but it isn’t where I thought I would be. I realized for a brief moment I stopped enjoying the journey and appreciating all that I’ve done and started looking at the end outcome. What really is funny is that I have plenty to talk about. I wrote, produced and acted in a short film with two other women last year and we are currently submitting to festivals. I also acted in a short film that had an amazing director attached. I had two speaking engagements this year. I started my production company, I was asked to come on as a producer on a film and to collaborate with another writer. I finished writing another short that is currently being revised. I started my blog, which is something that I wanted to do for years now, oh and I have a regular 9-5. Also I’ve done a lot of stuff this year non-career related. So why am I having anxiety. I started to wonder does this show up in other areas of my life. Do I let it debilitate me like Maxwell? Does it make me stagnant? How do I handle it?

Furthermore If I’m being 100 percent honest, I also knew that part of my anxiety was also due to the weight gain, I have been trying to get rid of. I never knew I cared so much about my weight. Well I take that back, I’m a former athlete so fitness and health always been important to me. I guess the truth is I never thought it would be hard to loose any weight I gained. I'm usually been pretty discipline and if I needed to get it together, well "I GOT IT TOGETHER". Lastly I decided to get a haircut before going to this homecoming and I didn’t like it, so it kind of added to my anxiousness.

In the film Maxwell goes to this reunion and nearly has a break down after running into to his ex-wife played by yours truly and meeting with all of his old buddies. After this break down, he sort of has a come to Jesus moment. Maxwell makes this speech to his class and is embraced by roaring applause and hugs. He learns that the people didn’t care about what he had or had not accomplished since high school. Who people wanted to see and what people cared about, was the fun loving, good nature Maxwell everyone grew to love.

Although I didn’t have a break down, before leaving I had a come to Jesus moment with myself. I had to remind myself, that my life is my life and my story. I’m not at the end of my story, each day the things I learn and encounter is just building onto the finish product and I just need to continue to push forward an enjoy the ride. The other thing I knew in my heart is, that the people that I was going to see, loves and care about me. They wish me well and want what’s best for me. They are not holding me to this vision I created in my mind.

From conversations with people at homecoming, I learned that this is somewhat normal. Meaning, other people go through this at some level, rather they name it social anxiety or not, it is some form of anxiety. Often when we are not feeling our best, or perhaps had a hard year with life or even trying to figure out life, we can project our thoughts and feelings onto other people. We sometimes shrink and negate all the things we have done. We build barriers that are not even there. We create the anxiety because of our perspective in that moment. So the question stands, is social anxiety real? The answer is yes, while my anxiousness was nowhere near how Maxwell’s was; I still felt some anxiety about homecoming. I am so happy that I did not let it get the best of me and not go. If I would have allowed this, I would of missed out on some amazing moments with some pretty awesome people. I also reminded myself that perspective is everything and at times you have to adjust.

I urge anyone that get anxious over anything, weight, career, love etc. take self-inventory, locate where it is coming from and change the perspective. Also I urge anyone that needs professional help with this, to get help, because it is a real thing and you my friend have too much life to live.